Here’s the scoop on the Other Grands’ rights when their grandkids are adopted by a stepparent: Normally stepparent adoption cuts off all ties between the adopted child and their biological family, and that includes the Other Grands. The courts have granted visitation rights to Other Grands in stepparent adoption in many, but by no means all cases. Other Grands have the best chance for visitation when the stepparent adoption follows the death of their child and parent of the grandchild (rather than relinquishment or abandonment). Occasionally custody fights ensue between grandparents and parents, usually in the case of abandonment. Sometimes, when neither parent is able to take care of a child, a custody fight between grandparents occurs.
The Grandparent During Divorce
Grandparents are commonly called upon to bail out the parents during a divorce by taking care of the kids. In tumultuous times, grandparents can provide an anchoring influence. But many times, that anchor is dislodged when the parent remarries and reclaims the child. When the child moves from Grandma and Grandpa’s house to the new household with her parent and new stepparent, the grandparents can easily feel displaced or unappreciated. If you’re the stepparent in a situation like this, be aware that the Other Grands may take out their hostility on you. Make sure that you and your partner express your appreciation and your respect for them. Your job is to build bridges, not burn them.
The Grandparent as Stepparent
Frequently, grandparents are becoming stepparents to their children’s children if the parent is too young to be a responsible, full-time parent. Often it happens when a parent wants to give up a child for adoption and the grandparent will have none of it. Other times, a parent gets into trouble with drugs or crime and can’t take care of the child. Grandparents who stepparent their grandchildren have extra complications:
The relationship with their own kids is often damaged, strained, or nonexistent. Many grandparents don’t want (or else actively fear) contact or involvement from the birth parent. Some long for it and don’t have it and must then grieve for their child as they would grieve for a death. There’s little legal assistance for relatives who take on a relative’s children. Grandparents may also have health complications due to age. (Chasing a toddler when you’ve got arthritis is no walk in the park.) Resentment comes with the territory. It’s hard to raise a whole new family when you expected to be finished with such responsibilities by now.
The Step as Grandparent
When a stepparent becomes a step-grandparent, things often shift for the better. A new baby tends to bring a family together anyway, and when your stepkids have children, they often gain a sudden understanding of how challenging stepparenting (indeed, parenting of any kind) can be. All of a sudden, you might get a little appreciation. There’s a tremendous amount of joy when a baby begins to recognize you. If there’s an unusual age difference between child and grandparent, the little one won’t even realize it. When Ami was 31, her step-granddaughter Colleen was born. Ami has no children of her own, but at an age when most of her friends are answering to “Mommy! Mommy! Mommy!,” Ami is answering to “Grandma!” Colleen doesn’t understand that her Grandma is younger than her mother—and for Colleen at age 6, it wouldn’t matter if she did know. Anybody over age 18 is a senior citizen for a child!
