Assess your kid as an individual. Understand your child’s developmental stage.
Who Is Your Child?
You can’t set a personal expectation or goal for your child without taking that individual child into consideration. It’s very attractive to try, especially if you’ve been reading the charts in too many child development books or have older kids. (“Eliza was washing her own hair by the time she was four, Tina should be doing it, too.”) Forget all the other kids, forget the books, ask yourself some simple questions: What is reasonable to expect from this child? What are her abilities, needs, accomplishments? What’s her basic temperament? What’s her stage of development? In order to set appropriate expectations for your child, you have to really know her.
Adjust to Your Child’s Level
When you’re assessing your child for “reasonable” behavior, take temperament and development into consideration, and adjust your expectations to meet his capabilities. If your child can’t tolerate an elevator ride to the top of the Empire State Building, then chances are he won’t tolerate the wonderful plane ride to Disneyland, either.
Charts, Graphs, Uneven Development
It’s also helpful to know what to expect in general from children at certain ages. A friend of mine who has a daughter with a nonverbal learning disability was delighted when I overheard little Posie swearing a blue streak at her sister and taunting, “You’re just a ba-by!” “That’s so typical,” I said. “Doesn’t the constant taunting of five-year-olds drive you nuts?” “You mean your daughter taunts?” “Her eyes filled with tears. “Of course,” I said, “it’s developmental.” My friend, who had been spending nights stressing out about her daughter’s rudeness and lack of social skills suddenly relaxed, as she realized that her child’s mocking-while not very nice-was completely and utterly developmentally appropriate for her age group. Charts, graphs, and development books are not fail safe, always true, or always helpful to a parent trying to set reasonable expectations for his child. Charts, graphs, and the like deal with averages, means, and norms. They don’t track individuals. If you don’t believe me, visit any sixth-grade classroom for 10 minutes. Check out the desks-some are filled with children so filled out you’d think twice about carding them if you were a bartender. Other desks hold scrawny kids who look as though they sleep each night with teddies clutched in their arms. Development and maturity in children is often uneven, too. Your son might be excelling in math, great in swimming, and still sucking his thumb at night. Your daughter might be terrific at art, brilliant at computer programming, but so absent-minded that when people ask her what her name is, she often replies, “Ummmmm?” You get the picture.
