Listen, listen, listen. Use “I” statements to express your feelings and perspectives. Don’t interrupt. You can ask questions to clarify, but stay away from “why.” (“How” is a better choice.) Keep your arguments in the present, and stay specific. Don’t dig up old dirt from the past. Avoid “globalizing” the argument (by using words such as always, never, or should). Taboo subjects are taboo—there are certain nasty comments that are off-limits in all relationships. Keep your requests for behavior changes very specific. Don’t ask for a personality transplant.
The Four Ways of Resolving Conflict
When you and your child are having a conflict, there are four basic ways the conflict can be resolved:
You can decide how to resolve the conflict. This is the “because I say so,” unilateral approach to conflict resolution. It may work, but Junior isn’t going to feel any kind of satisfaction. Junior can be the winner of the big decision-making contest. It’s he who decides the outcome of the conflict. Feel good? I doubt it. You have the option of resolving the conflict through compromise. If you com-promise, you give a little, Junior gives a little, and you come to an agreement. Neither of you necessarily feels great about it, though. Ah, problem-solving! You and Junior can collaborate for a “win-win” (as they say in business school). Yup, it sometimes takes some time to get here, but doesn’t it feel good? You bet!
