Memories are jumbled mixtures of emotions and individual perceptions that cloud the facts. This is why siblings express completely different recollections of the same shared past. There are some events from the past that we don’t wish to recall, so we repress them instead. Leaving out these repressed memories affects the accurate accounting of other past events. Memories are constantly changing and being updated by the new person we are continually becoming. Cleese makes a good point when she says that memories “fit the person we are today.” Events that occurred in the past, which evoked strong negative feelings at the time, assume a more prominent place in our memories. When it comes to our moms, Cleese says for daughters, these negative memories have greater impact on how we view or treat our mothers than do the positive memories.
How Your Mom Remembers It
Chances are that you and your mother have different perceptions of the past, stated a study reported in a 1997 summer issue of Current Psychology. When it comes to your childhood memories…
Your mother remembers the facts of your mutual conflicts rather clearly. What she seems to be tainted by her biases are the memories of her attitudes associated with these conflicts. Your mother remembers that if your childhood relationship with her was full of problems, so, too, were your teenage years. Your mother over-rates the positive and undervalues the negative aspects of your relationships.
Mothers and Daughters Remember the Past Differently
Take a look at ways in which your mother’s recollections of the past differ from yours. Your mother is likely overall to evaluate all periods of your growing up with less degree of conflict than will you. According to the current research of Karen J. Fingerman, professor of human development and family studies, when asked to define which periods of their relationships with their daughters were more conflicted, moms said that time period before age 25. However, daughters rate the period after age 25 with more conflict than do their moms. There seems to be a general consensus among moms and daughters that most past conflict dealt with daily matters. However, daughters, more than their mothers, believed many conflicts dealt with questions of their need for independence. Mothers tended to report more conflicts that had to do with their daughter’s sexuality. Moms who viewed their past relationships with their daughters as very positive failed to agree with their daughters on the times in the past that were most problematic.
