But of course, most people get divorced because they don’t see eye-to-eye. And differences in parenting styles are a common source of disagreement. But, even if you don’t agree on all parenting issues with your former partner, you can still take steps to teach your child the skills he needs to manage his behavior. Unfortunately, many parents lose sight of how to best discipline their children when they’re going through a divorce. And all too often, well-intentioned parents make these common mistakes: But doing so only sets you up for failure. Your child might embellish how good he has it at the other house or he may try to pit you against the other parent. The last thing you want to do is get into a contest over who has the best house. Your child will vote for who has the least amount of rules or who spoils him the most. And those things aren’t in your child’s best interest. Don’t collude with your child in an effort to paint him in a more favorable light, either. Sometimes parents will say, “We won’t tell Mom that you got in trouble at school, OK?” Agreeing to keep secrets about his behavior sends an unhealthy message. Talk openly with your ex about the behavior you’re seeing and the steps you are taking to address it. While the rules and consequences don’t have to be exactly the same in both homes, open communication can be the first step to addressing the problem. You need to know how often a behavior is happening and which environment it occurs in so you can address it most effectively. Just because you don’t love the other parent doesn’t mean your child shouldn’t. So even when you disagree with the way your former partner parents, expressing your displeasure to your child is inappropriate. Simply remind your child, “Well at my house, kids don’t watch R-rated movies,” or “My household rules are different than your mother’s rules.” If your child makes a fair amount of outrageous claims about what he’s allowed to do in the other home, you might say, “I’ll have to talk to your father about that.” That may be the best response if your child is trying to get a reaction out of you. Saying things like, “Well he’s been through so much already. I don’t want to take away his video games,” or “He’s just misbehaving because he’s upset from the divorce. I don’t want to punish him even more,” isn’t a good idea. Teaching your child that he’s a ‘product of divorce’ will give him a victim mentality. Acknowledge that he may be dealing with many mixed emotions and validate his feelings. Talk about the hardship he may be experiencing, but teach him that tough times shouldn’t be an excuse for bad behavior. Correct your child’s behavior, but not the emotions. Let him know it’s OK to be mad, afraid, or sad. Give him time to grieve and help him learn how to cope with his uncomfortable emotions in a positive way. But remember that divorce doesn’t necessarily damage kids. If you had a high-conflict relationship, divorce may even be a relief. Sometimes, a child’s behavior will improve after a separation. But, keeping things consistent gets complicated after a divorce. You have to remember, did you take away his video game privileges five minutes before he went to the other parent’s house? If so, do you need to enforce that consequence when he gets back? And clearly, the stress of a divorce is likely to weigh on you as well. As a single parent, you may have more responsibilities that make keeping a consistent schedule and enforcing clear consequences more complicated. Even if you aren’t with your child every day, you still have a huge influence on her. You have an opportunity to teach her new skills and help her learn new things every time you’re together. So rather than waste time complaining the other parent isn’t doing enough or accusing the other parent of undermining all of your progress, put your energy into raising the best child you can with the time you have. Whether your ex is stricter or more relaxed should bear little influence on your parenting. It’s important to parent your child the best that you can when he’s in your home. If you want to communicate something to the other parent, do it yourself. And do it directly. Don’t ever ask your child to convey messages back and forth. And don’t make your child responsible for telling the other parent how to do his job. Your child needs to know his job is to be a kid and the adults are in charge. Even if you don’t see those particular behavior problems, or you think the other parent is at fault, listening is the best place to start. Once you show you are open to hearing about the issues, you can start working on solving the problem. The important thing to remember is that your child needs to maintain a healthy relationship with you. And giving your child healthy discipline after a divorce will help you maintain a good relationship.
