Here are seven messages you shouldn’t give to your teen.
1. Never Give up on Your Dreams
While it’s important to have dreams, you shouldn’t imply walking away from a dream is the same as being a quitter. Sometimes, you have to let go of one dream to make room for new dreams. If your child hasn’t been drafted by the NFL by the time he turns 45, it’s likely time to give up that dream. A Better Message: “Set your goals high, but stay flexible because your goals may change over time.”
2. Pursue Your Passion When Choosing a Career
This message is silly for a few reasons. First, most teenagers are passionate about social media and pizza—at least in this phase of their lives. Few teens know what their true passions are, or even what’s out there to be passionate about. Second, your teen may start believing the only way he can be happy in life is by making a living doing the one activity he enjoys the most. But, sometimes, leisure activities are only fun when they remain hobbies. Monetizing the things you like can zap the joy. A Better Message: “Whatever you do, do it to the best of your ability and remember that you can choose to be happy, no matter what.”
3. Always Follow Your Heart
Teens—like adults—have irrational emotions. Telling your teen to base his life decisions on his feelings is likely to lead to giant risks, immediate gratification, and unpredictable behavior. A Better Message: “Your heart can lead you astray. You’ll make the best decisions in life when you balance your emotions with logic.”
4. Just Think Positively
When your teen says he’s nervous about how he did on that science test, or he’s feeling uneasy about his college application, telling him to “think positively” isn’t helpful. His thoughts won’t magically influence the outcome after he’s already done what he can do. Thinking positively won’t somehow help him pass a test he didn’t study for and positive vibes won’t cause a coach to pick him for the basketball team. A Better Message: “Set your goals high, but stay flexible because your goals may change over time.”
5. You Shouldn’t Care What Anyone Else Thinks
While your teen shouldn’t care what everybody thinks, it is important for your teen to care what some people think. Your teen should want his friends and family to respect him and it’s important for him to treat others with kindness. A Better Message - “Decide whose opinions you value in life and tune out the opinions of those who don’t matter to you.”
6. Something Better Will Come Along
Trying to help your teen feel better after a disappointing rejection with the promise of something better isn’t necessarily a good idea. Whether your teen got dumped by his prom date, or he didn’t make the basketball team, there’s no guarantee something better awaits him in the future. A Better Message - “Disappointment is uncomfortable, but it’s part of life. You can turn failure into a learning opportunity.”
7. You Can Achieve Anything You Want in Life
While this sounds like an inspiring message on the surface, this idea can be harmful. The reality is, everyone has limitations. So if your teen has a serious health problem, he may not be able to become a Navy Seal. Or, if he lacks musical talent, he may never land a major record deal. Telling him he can do anything he wants implies hard work will help him accomplish anything—no matter how unrealistic or idealistic his goals may be. But the truth is, no matter how much effort he puts in, there are certain things he may never achieve. If he never catches a big break in life, it’s insulting to imply it’s because he didn’t want it enough. A Better Message - “Hard work will take you far in life, but everyone has limitations. Focus on what you can control and accept what’s out of your control.”
