Social skills need ongoing refinement as kids grow. They aren’t something a child either has or doesn’t have. These skills continue to develop with age and can be learned and strengthened with effort and practice. Some social skills are quite complicated—like understanding it is important to be assertive when a friend is being bullied or to stay silent when you do not agree with a call from the umpire. Look for teachable moments where you can help your kids do better. Learn more about the seven most important social skills for kids and how to teach them.
Benefits
Social skills give kids a wide range of benefits. They are linked to greater success in school and better relationships with peers.
Better Outcomes
Researchers from Penn State and Duke University found that children who were better at sharing, listening, cooperating, and following the rules at age five were more likely to go to college. They also were more likely to be employed full-time by age 25.
More Success
Good social skills also can help kids have a brighter future. According to a study published in the American Journal of Public Health, a child’s social and emotional skills in kindergarten might be the biggest predictor of success in adulthood. Children who lacked social and emotional skills were more likely to become dependent on public assistance, experience legal trouble, have substance abuse issues, and experience relationship issues.
Stronger Friendships
Kids who have strong social skills and can get along well with peers are likely to make friends more easily. Research indicates that childhood friendships are good for kids’ mental health. Friendships also give children opportunities to practice more advanced social skills, like problem-solving and conflict resolution.
Reduced Stress
Not having the social skills to interact with others also likely compounds that stress. For instance, being away from family places stress on children. When they are unable to communicate effectively with others, it only gets worse. The good news is that social skills can be taught. It is never too soon to start showing kids how to get along with others. And it’s never too late to sharpen their skills either. Start with the most basic social skills first and keep working on your child’s skills over time.
Sharing
A willingness to share a snack or a toy can go a long way to helping kids make and keep friends. According to a study published in Psychological Science, children as young as age 2 may show a desire to share with others—but usually only when their resources are abundant. However, children between the ages of 3 and 6 are often selfish when it comes to sharing resources that come at a cost. Kids might be reluctant to share half of their cookie with a friend because it means they’ll have less to enjoy. But those same children might readily share a toy that they’re no longer interested in playing with. By age 7 or 8, kids become more concerned with fairness and are more willing to share. Kids who feel good about themselves are often more likely to share and sharing helps them feel good about themselves. Teaching kids to share may help boost their self-esteem.
Cooperating
Cooperating means working together to achieve a common goal. Kids who cooperate are respectful when others make requests. They also contribute, participate, and help out. Good cooperation skills are essential for successfully getting along within a community. Your child will need to cooperate with classmates on the playground as well as in the classroom. Cooperation is important as an adult, too. By about age 3 1/2, young children can begin to work with their peers on a common goal. For children, cooperation may involve anything from building a toy tower together to playing a game that requires everyone to participate. Part of cooperating also means learning to be a good sport when things do not go their way. Kids learn that celebrating another person’s success does not diminish their worth. When it comes to cooperation and collaboration, some kids may take a leadership position while others will feel more comfortable following instructions. Either way, cooperation is a great opportunity for kids to learn more about themselves and how they best function in a group.
Listening
Listening isn’t just about staying quiet—it means really absorbing what someone else is saying. Listening also is a critical component of healthy communication. After all, much of the learning in school depends on a child’s ability to listen to what the teacher is saying. Absorbing the material, taking notes, and thinking about what is being said becomes even more important as your child advances academically. Giving your child plenty of opportunities to practice listening can strengthen this skill. Listening also is an important part of developing empathy. A child cannot show compassion or offer support to others without first listening and understanding what the other person is saying. It is essential that your child grows up knowing how to listen to the boss, a romantic partner, and friends. This skill may require some skill to master in the age of digital devices. Stress to your kids from an early age that smartphones and other devices should not be out when they are engaged in conversation.
Following Directions
Kids who struggle to follow directions are likely to experience a variety of consequences. From having to redo their homework assignments to getting in trouble for misbehavior, not following directions can be a big problem. Help them fill in any gaps they’re missing and encourage them to keep listening as you continue. Don’t allow them to interrupt others when they’re talking. Whether you instruct your children to clean their rooms or you’re telling them how to improve their soccer skills, it’s important for kids to be able to take direction—and follow instructions. Before you can expect your child to get good at following directions, however, it’s essential that you become well-versed in giving directions. To give good directions and avoid common mistakes, follow these strategies.
Give a young child one direction at a time. Instead of saying, “Pick up your shoes, put your books away, and wash your hands,” wait until the shoes are picked up before giving the next command.Avoid phrasing your directions as a question. Asking, “Would you please pick up your toys now?” implies that your kids have the option to say no. Once you’ve given your children directions, ask them to repeat back what you said. Ask, “What are you supposed to do now?” and wait for them to explain what they heard you say.Remember that mistakes are normal. It’s normal for young kids to get distracted, behave impulsively, or forget what they’re supposed to do. View each mistake as an opportunity to help them sharpen their skills.
Respecting Personal Space
Some kids are close talkers. Others crawl into the laps of acquaintances without any idea that it makes them feel uncomfortable. It’s important to teach kids how to respect other people’s personal space. If your children struggle to follow directions, give them opportunities to practice following simple commands. Say things like, “Please pass that book to me,” and then provide immediate praise for following directions. Create household rules that encourage kids to respect other people’s personal space. “Knock on closed doors,” and “Keep your hands to yourself,” are just a few examples. If your child grabs things out of people’s hands or pushes when impatient, establish consequences. If your child stands too close to people while talking, use it as a teachable moment. Take your child aside and provide some coaching about personal space issues. As they get older, you can talk to them about the concept of boundaries—both setting them for themselves and respecting the boundaries of others.
Making Eye Contact
Good eye contact is an important part of communication. Some kids struggle to look at the person they are speaking to. Whether your child is shy and prefers to stare at the floor or simply won’t look up when engrossed in another activity, emphasize the importance of good eye contact. If your child struggles with eye contact, offer quick reminders after the fact. In a gentle voice, ask, “Where should your eyes go when someone is talking to you?” You don’t want to cause a shy child additional anxiety. And, provide praise when your child remembers to look at people when the are talking.
Using Manners
Saying please and thank you and using good table manners can go a long way toward helping your child gain attention for the right reasons. Teachers, other parents, and other kids will respect a well-mannered child.
Ask them to share a story while you stare at the ground, close your eyes, or look everywhere except for at them.Invite them to tell another story and make appropriate eye contact while they’re talking.Discuss how each scenario felt.
Of course, teaching manners can feel like an uphill battle sometimes. From burping loudly at the table to acting ungratefully, all kids will let their manners go out the window sometimes. It is important, however, for kids to know how to be polite and respectful—especially when they’re in other people’s homes or at school.
A Word From Verywell
If your child seems to be struggling with social skills more than other kids, talk to a healthcare provider. While it may just take a little extra reinforcement and maturity to catch up, a lack of social skills also can be a sign of other problems. Make sure to use your manners when you are interacting with other people. Offer reminders when your children forget to use manners and praise them when you catch them being polite. Children with mental health issues like attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) or autism may be behind socially. A physician can assess your child and determine whether treatment is needed to improve social skills.
